El Bulli, THE FUCKING BEST RESTAURANT IN THE WORLD!!!

Oh the Joy!!!

As most of you know, I was the luckiest cunt in the world and I won the most AMAZING prize ever, a Trip around the world to eat at 4 of the Top 5 Restaurants.

These are seriously places that are harder to get into than a... [ DELETED BY EDITOR - come up with your own perverted shit ]

We might as well start at the top, pepople usually do it in reverse order so you have to read all the boring stuff to get to the good stuff.

My sister and I flew from London to Barcelona in Spain. From there we jumped in a hire card and drove about an hour and a half north to the Tourist town of Roses. Not a bad place, but apart from get drunk and try root French and Spanish chicks, I don't know what you would do there.

Except eat.

The beaches are shit (if you like to surf), there are heaps of English tourists and the internet cafes are third world...

About a 15 minute drive out of Roses is a restaurant called El Bulli, you can check out their website at http://www.elbulli.com

This is what Wiki has to say about them:

El Bulli is a restaurant run by chef Ferran Adrià in Roses on the Costa Brava in Catalonia, Spain. Restaurant Magazine has judged El Bulli the World's Best Restaurant three times - in 2002 and 2006 and most recently in 2007. The restaurant has a limited season from April to September; bookings are taken on a single day in the previous January.

Like I said, this place is Officially THE FUCKING BEST RESTAURANT IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!

So what makes El Bulli so special?

Try the fact that you probably never have and never will eat there. It is only open 6 months out of the year.

I attribute this to simply one thing: Being the best restaurant in the world must be hard work, and staying on top requires a lot dedication, stress, research and development, innovation, experimentation and failure (I am sure everything they try isn't a brilliant success).

Oh, and I also figure it has something to do with the fact that the Spanish are lazy cunts and close their businesses for half the day for Siesta, so if you are the best, why not close it for half the year... Not scientifically proven but highly likely.

Ok, so the drive in. Like I said, it is about a 15 minute drive out of Roses. There are cliffs and shit and curves and little narrow roads and views and whatever. All very nice. And then!!!

Sorry the picture is so shit, I didn't know what to expect and we drove around the corner so I just stuck my camera out the window and pushed the button.

Unfortunately this picture sums up my experience at El Bulli... It is all a bit blurry except for the bit at the front (the start of the night).

So we get there and I take a heap of crap pictures:

The first thing they do when they get there (besides some how magically knowing which language you speak and saying hello to you) is ask you if you would like a tour of the kitchen.

Now this isn't any ordinary kitchen.

• To begin with, there are 14 Chefs... that is like 13 more chefs than most restaurants you will eat at!
• Second, it is immaculiate! This means there isn't any grilled cheese left in the breville maker, none of the dull stuff on the shiny stuff that you have to scrub to get off, and none of that black stuff in the corners of the floors (you know, them hard to reach places...)
• And finally (and almost shockingly)... It doesn't smell like food. I mean it does smell like food, but not like any "normal" kitches which will smell like burnt oil.
• Oh, and they have a bull head in there. No, not a real one unfortunately...

So once the tour of the kitchen is over, they sit you down to a table and every table has a red rose inside a glass thing. I was gonna try nick it for Harri (chicks love flowers) but I didn't remember to.

Our waiter comes over and he explains that there are 35 courses on the menu for the evening. It is 8:30pm by now... How long is this going to take???

The wine dude comes over and shows us the wine list... It was more like a directory than a list. Broken up into countries and different Varietal and Blends, I think it was about 149 PAGES (yes, PAGES!!!) thick and containing about 1616 different types!!!

Lizzy and I have no fucking idea, so we just get him to suggest something and he starts us off with a white wine. It was alright, Lisa hated it, so I ended up having to drink the whole thing whilst we ordered Bro another bottle of something different.

Anyways, I have to finish this thing or I will keep going for ever.

So wine is ordered and now it is time for food.

First off, I just wanna say that your parents are full of shit! We had 4 courses of food and we used our fingers for every single one of them. All that crap about knowing how to use a knife and fork so you can eat in nice restaurants in bullcrap.

First was an Olive that was incredible, you put it in your mouth and it just melts. It was full of warm oil or something, and I can imagined the experience would be something like having someone cum in your mouth. If you are a guy and fortunate enough to be able to reach and suck your own knob and do it to yourself then you know what I would be talking about!!!

Then there was some other finger food which was really interesting and this other stuff which looked like it had gold plated alimininum foil on top... You know when you get them lollies which are a bit by their used by date and the foil won't come off but you eat em anyways? Sorta like that but way nicer.

There was this popcorn thing which was about the size of a big hubba bubble bubble that you can blow from about 3 squares. My poo the next day smelt more like this than anything else.

After that was Rasberry with Wasabi. The wasabi wasn't very hot though, but it was an interesting combo.

We then had an Oyster soup thing. That was cool... I normally like Oysters Kilpatrick so the wostershire sauce and bacon kills the flavour of the Oyster, but this was ok.

Then there was this beige stuff with these brown specs on top.

By this time, I had had about 2.5 glassses of wine and I hadn't eaten for about 9 hours cos I wanted to savour the taste of the food. So I am a bit drunk.

The best thing of the evening was probably this Crab meat hamburger. Maybe I was just drunk and wanted something which was more substantial than a rasberry with a bit of wasabi on top? Regardless, this was one of the standout things for me.

One of the wierdest things was this sea weed and froth thing that they made. Yep, sea weed and froth.

So that was a bit wierd, and now we are fully getting a bit drunk. Here is a photo to prove it:

Why is he getting drunk? Sorta intentionally, but not really...

They fed us brains. Lamb brains to be precise. You know that scene in Indiana Jones where they eat the monkeys brains? It was sorta like that but different.

There were three brains on each plate and I ate all three of mine. This is how I got through it:

1. Brain #1 was just put in mouth and quickly followed by a mouthfull of red wine. Sorta got a taste and a feel for the outer texture, but not really
2. Brain #2 was put in mouth, chewed once, gag suppressed and followed up with a half mouth full of wine. Got more of a feel for the taste and inner texture, but still cheating quite a bit...
3. Brain #3... Ahh... Ok, so this one, I was like like "fuck it, can't come all the way to Spain to eat at the top restaruant in the world and not taste everything they put on your plate". So I put it in my mouth, chewed it about 4 times, gagged, swallowed, imagined it was like the Olive/cum experience but lumpy, gagged again, smiled at the people at the table next to us, wiped the tears from my eyes and then after about 15 seconds had a glass of wine. Yep, a glass of wine.

There was other stuff, which was nice, I am sure there was some Lamb in there and some more Crab meat and this Incredible fake soup thing which was delicious too. But we had been eating for about 4 hours and we had somehow managed to drink 2.5 bottles of wine between 2. I was closer to 1.8 bottles of wine cos I had to drink the shit first one on my own.

We met some cool people on the other tables who were just as excited to be there as us, we traded stories (ours was by far the coolest) and we scabbed a ride back from these Spanish dudes.

Oh, and my fucking credit card didn't work. What a mother fucker. It was SO embarassing. I went to pay for the food and they were like "Ahh, your card isn't working", I was like "It should be, I made sure I had money on it incase I went a bit crazy with buying wine".

I reckon they were shitting themselves going "How is this cunt gonna pay for this 600 Euro meal?"

How funny would it be to be the first person in the world to do a runner from the Worlds Best Restaurant?

Fortunately my Arm's credit card had money on it and we were able to pay with that.

I called Westpac and asked them why my card wasn't working (mind you I was pretty fucking durnk and pretty pissed off cos it was VERY embarassing) and they didn't have an answer, so I established (yet again) that all banks are scum and I hate them.