I'm going to The Top 5 Restaurants in the world on Monday

You heard right, I'm going to them. AND I don't have to pay a single cent for the privellege.

I am leaving on Monday 23rd October.

Yep, thats right. You probably won't believe me, but I honstly am.

You see, I won a comp which was run by Penfolds Wines...

The story goes as follows:

My sister was having a bad day at work (man... how many times have I told this story...), anyways, My sister was having a bad day at work and I decided to take her out for dinner at this Cafe in Leichhardt that we always go to. It is called Cafe Jolly. The lady who runs the place (Annie) is lovely, you should go check it out, good food, generous serves, excellent service and great value for money.

So yeah, I meet my sister and she was stressed so I was like, I'll get a bottle of wine and we can just relax and pig out and not worry about it and she was like "sure".

So I go across the street to the Royal Hotel and there is a bottle shop there, and I got a bottle of Penfolds Koonunga Hills Shiraz. About $15 if I remember correctly. Anyways, I back to the restaurant and put the bottle on the table and open it and go to throw away the thing that is around the neck of the bottle and she grabs it out of my hand and asks what it is (like how she grabs it out of my hand AND THEN asks what it is). I told her it was some dodgy SMS comp thing that noone will ever win and to not worry about it.

Anyways, she convinced me to enter it. Her and I have Vodacunts phone accounts and we were on one of the high value caps and we never reach the limit and she pointed out that "it wouldn't cost us anything and who gives a shit we might actually win it". I wasn't buying it, but to humor her, I decided to enter, but only until our entrees arrived (we hadn't orderd yet).

So we enter the bar code and do all the shit we had to do in the SMS and we start sending the messages and she is telling me her story about what her boss has done to piss her off this time and we were having a comp to see who could re-send the message with the least amount of key presses (my Sony Ericsson VS her Nokia). We both got it down to 4 presses each from the outbox and with the number stored in our phones which was:

Menu > Forward > Down (first name in address book) > Send.

I fire off about 10 messages before the Tomato Bruschetta with Pesto arrived, so I gave up and focused on the food. The whole meal, my sister was on Auto Pilot sending messages, I was too busy focusing on the Polpi Salad and Garlic Prawns entrees and a main of Lamb Cutlets on Mash with Spinach and this delicious sauce (I will get the details next time I am there).

So after the dinner, I bid my sister adieu cos I was working heaps at the time and it was gonna be at least a week before I saw her again.

So I didn't think anything of it again. The next day my sister was like "I don't have the bar code number, can you send me the SMS again so i can send more today at work" and I was like "AS IF WE ARE GOING TO WIN!!!!" but she didn't care and neither did I so I forwared it to her.

THEN I didn't think about it again.

Until THAT phone call...

"Hello, is that David *****"

"Uh, yeah, hello, this is him, how are you? Whos this?"

"My name is Nicole from ******, David, I have a couple of questions for you?"

"Sure, shoot"

"David, did you buy a bottle of Penfolds wine in the last few months?"

Ok, my heart skipped a beat and I was like FUCK OFF, no way, it can't be!!!

"Uh, yeah, at least 15 in the last couple of months I reckon"

"Oh, excellent, I have some great news, you are a provisional winner in a Penfolds comp"

So my hopes sunk a bit, a provisional winner, shit, on what provisions, I might not have won the main prize, but shit, a couple of bottles of wine would be good...

"Oh, sweet, what are the provisions?" Notice how I didn't ask what the competition or prize was?

"Well, do you have a proof of purchase from between the dates of (whatever the dates were)"

FUCK! I don't keep receipts for wine or other booze cos I can't claim it on my tax, but she didn't need to know that "Ahhh, I am sure I have one somewhere, I will have to have a look at home" (knowing full well I throw them out but one may have just ened up in a pocket somewhere).

"Ok, excellent, well see if you can find one and get back to me ASAP"

"Sure will do, sorry, what was your name again? What is your number?"

I got her details then I announced to the office I was contracting at "I think I just won a Holiday around the world to the Top 5 Restaurants in the world!"

So basically it was a mad rush to try and find a proof of purchase for a bottle of wine.

I started rining everyone "Dude, do you know anyone who owns a bottle shop or works in one or know someone who does?" No shit, I called about 25 different people... people I don't even like I made concessions for and called.

Ahh, to no avail... I thought I was well and truly fucked. So no joy with other people, I told my boss at the time "dude, I gotta go sort out this proof of purchase shit, might be back today, might not" "Sure dude, no worries" Chirs Pile at The Farm (www.thefarmcreative.com.au) is an awesome guy and they do really good work.

So off I go from the Surry Hills office. Thank chirst I didn't have a parking fine (we all know how fucked the parking officers are in the CBD) and home I headed.

I pretty much turned my house upside down looking for anything that said I paid for a bottle of Penfolds wine between whatever the dates were.

Nothing.

I was officially starting to stress out cos my chance of winning the prize of a life time was slipping out of my grasp. I eventually had the idea to look at my credit card statements to see if there was anything on there.

BINGO!! There was a purchase for $28 or whatever it was from Liquor Land and I remembered the exact purchase. I had spent about $250 on groceries and I thought "fuck it, I want a decent bottle of wine to go with my dinner"

So I got a bottle of Penfolds Bin 128 Shiraz. It wasn't bad.

So I ring up Broadway Liquor Land and I speak to the guy who answers the phone and the conversation went something like this:

"Hi, my name is David, I think I have won a holiday worth $20,000 and all I need is a proof of purchase for a bottle of wine that I purchased from there. I have my credit card statement here with me and I know I purchased a bottle on one transaction, would it be possible for you to give me a copy of the recipt. I understand it might be a bit of work, but I would really appreciate it if you could help me out, like I said, think I have won this holiday"

"Nah, can't do it, it will take too long, sorry."

"But I have my transaction, surely you guys must be able to look it up, it is for a holiday that I think I have won, please, is there anything you can do?"

"Nah mate, can't help ya, like I said"

"Nothing?"

"No"

"Hmm, ok, thanks" (you cock sucker mother fucker, I hope a box of beer falls on you head)

So I was officially past worried about not winning the prize, I had the proof of purchase, I just needed the proof of proof of purchase.

What do you think I did? Go on, guess...

Yep, I called Coles Meyer Head office down in Melbourne and I spoke to the Public Relations deptartment. You know I did. That conversation was a bit more fruitful...

"Hi, my name is David, I think I have won a holiday worth $20,000 and all I need is a proof of purchase for a bottle of wine that I purchased from a Liquor Land store at Broadway in Sydney. I have my credit card statement here with me and I know I purchased a bottle on one transaction, would it be possible for you to give me a copy of the recipt. I understand it might be a bit of work, but I would really appreciate it if you could help me out, like I said, think I have won this holiday. I spoke to the guy at the branch, but he said there was nothing he could do, I was just wondering if you guys could help me?"

"Oh congratulations sir, that is so lucky. Of course Coles Meyer would be more than happy to do anything you need to get the proof of purchase, especially cos you got it from a Liquor Land store. Do you have a pen and paper? Ok, my name is ***** and my number is ************. Now just go back to the store and speak to the same gentleman and tell him Head Office said he has to do whatever it takes to get you a copy of the recipt and if he has any questions what so ever to give me a call. That is my direct number!"

"Oh really? Thank you so much, that is amazing."

"Enjoy your trip sir"

NO SHIT ENJOY YOUR TRIP!!! WOO HOO!!!

So I go down to Broadway shopping center and I walk into the Liquor Land. The place is empty, and the scum bag in there looks at me like I was a scum bag and I say:

"Hi, my name is David. I called you about 25 mins ago. As I mentiond on the phone, I think I have won a holiday worth $20,000 and all I need is a proof of purchase for a bottle of wine that I purchased from there. I have my credit card statement here with me and I know I purchased a bottle on one transaction, would it be possible for you to give me a copy of the recipt. You said on the phone that you couldn't help me and I didn't believe you so I called the Coles Meyer head office and spoke to ****** and she said that you have to look up the proof of purchase and if you have any questions at all then to give her a call, here is her number" as I handed him a piece of paper with the ladys number.

Ok, so he wasn't impressed. But fuck him, he wasn't doing anytihng and he didn't have to do too much. He asked me if a written receipt was ok and said sure, so he prints one out for me and afterwards I was like "Oh, you couldn't put it on an official Liquor Land letter head?"

Understanably he was a bit pissed off at me and gave me a very short "No". I didn't care.

So anyways, I call back Nicole and i was I have a receipt, it is a bit dodgy, but if you need a better one, just let me know" and she was like, "I am sure it will be fine, just fax it over" which I did in a heart beat.

So I didn't hear from her for about 40 mins.

Was something wroing? Was the receipt ok? Maybe it was too dodgy! I am gonna go sit on that guy at Liquor Land!!! Man I wish my sister would stop messaging me on MSN ever 2 minutes and calling me and asking if I have called Nicole back every 5 mins.

So eventually I gave in to my sisters persistent pressure and I called Nicole:

"Hi Nicole, it is David again, sorry to call you back again, I was just wondering if you got the fax I sent wtih the proof of purchase?"

"Oh, let me just check" about 20 seconds later she comes back "Yep, it is here, just give me a chance to have a look (mumbles to herself for about another 20 seconds then says) Ok. It all looks good. Congratulations, you are the winner of the Penfolds comp!"

I go "NO! Don't tell me I've won"

She says "But you don't know what the prize is yet" and I was like

"But I have only entered one compertition... Don't tell me I have won?!?! Please tell me I've won it!!!"

"Well what do you think you have won?"

"The food one to the Top 5 Restaurants in the world?"

"Absolutely, congratulations David!!"

"NO, STOP IT, I HAVEN'T!! I HAVE!! STOP IT! NO WAY HAHAHAHA"

"Yes way, and yes you have, do you wanna know the details?" and she rattled off the details of the prize... I don't remember the details, but I remember hearign the words BUSINESS CLASS FLIGHT, FIVE STAR HOTELS, TOP FIVE RESTAURANTS, LONDON, SPAIN, SAN FRANCISCO!!!

WOO HOO.

So yeah, this happened back in May, and I have been snowboarding in NZ for the last 4 months and I am leaving on Monday. My sister and I were supposed to stay in the UK for 5 mothts cos we can extend our stays in each place, they just pay for the set amount in the prize, and then we were to go to Spain and the US.

I have been conned in to coming back to Sydney to work for 5 months, so i will be spending 5 days in the UK and they flying back to Sydney to help finish Phase 2 of the website you are now visiting and to also help in AFL and NRL and Bigpond Sport.

Pretty crazy story hey. I am pumped!

Well I have better get back to work I guess... I will take pics and post em up here.

Frustration at fucks...

Ok, so I am officially back in Sydney.

Man, I realised why I was so happy in NZ. My fucken useless friends weren't there.

Fuck they piss me off. They are talented and funny cunts and all their dicks are smaller than mine BUT they are fucken useless.

Tavis is the first fuck I am going to name and shame.

He is tall and skinny and has good hair (unlike my arab inspired black thick shit hair).

He hasn't had a job since fuck knows when and I he is always sitting at home on his computer jerking off to internet chix. Now nothing wrong with that, we have all done it at some stage, but fuck man, I am only in Sydney for 2 weeks, lets go out and run a muck fuck ya.

No shit, I have called this fuck at least 4 times since I have been back and every time he is at home and won't leave cos he is a fag. Sorry to my fag friends out there who read this (Mark and Glen - mwah x), it was either call him a fag or an arab. Unfortunately I am half arab and I wanted to distance myself as far away from him as possible, so fag it is.

I owe him $1100 and I have decided I am not going to give it back to him until he comes out if not to get drunk, to at least get fat (eat).

You can send him a "Get off your arse you fucken fuck" email to

Next is Anf a.k.a. Anthrax a.k.a. Tampax

Tampax is short, Italian and has no hair... unlike my arab mop which I would gladly donate half of if we can just figure out how to make it stick on his head.

I dunno where to start with Anth. He is fucken brilliant, he is left handed, but at least he isn't a Chilean like Ammo.

Anth is very talented musically and can play heaps of instruments and shit. Used to be in a moderatly sucessful hardcore band called Drawback, but they split up cos they are all useless cunts.

I swear, anything Anth puts his mind to, he can do (except kick flips). He hasn't had a job for 6 months and has just been kicking it at home. Now in all fairness, I can't really dis him too much, his mums cooking is fucking brilliant, but the cunt shoulda come to NZ for 3 months if he wasn't doing anything.

And don't try getting the cunt to leave his house, fucken forget about it, he is almost as bad as Tavis, but Anf has the excuse of his mums cooking. Tavis' mums a wierdo and she never cooked... well for him anyways.

You can send Anth a "You aren't as bad as Tavis so there is stil hope for you yet you lazy fucken garlic eater!" email to muchgore@hotmail.com

I am over it, I am actually going out with Simo tongith... a former useless cunt who is actually on the road to recovery.

Simo is a designer and a drunk.

No, wait.

Simo is a drunk and a designer. He just finished 3 or 4 years of study and beinig a fucken bum. He is also newly single so ladies (or my fag friends) if you are up for some cock, drop simo a "Yo, I heard you got a job and prospects and blue balls and fucked up half asian mop hair, hows about a root" email at simondavidson@hotmail.com

He is still fucked but.

Do I actually like any of my friends? Hell yeah, Ikka (the most amazing generous guy you will ever meet), Nobbie (he is a fucken Nob but still a nice cunt), Sergio (a.k.a. concussion), Archie (always up for a feed), Dan (who is in the UK and I will be seeing heaps of soon), Matt (who is always up to go look at boobies at either Mens Gallery or Pure Platinum) and Reece whos is another tall cunt but up for laughs.

Um, thats it.

I am a useless cunt too, but you all know that if you have ever read this blog. You can send me a "you are a fuckwit, not to mention a half arab, half pom, homophobe, fat fuck with stupid hair who hasn't had sex in 4 years" email at you_are_a_fuckwit_not_to_mention_a_half_arab_half_pom_homophobe

_fat_fuck_with_stupid_hair

_who_hasnt_had_sex_in_4_years@memberclothing.com

Who's coming out?

American Flag Re-design

Because of all of the bad press the Americans have been getting all around the world, I have decided to do them a favour and re-design their flag for free.

No I have used the stars and stripes as a base and just gone from there, tell me what you think.

Before

After